There are few people among us with chelonophobia, the fear of turtles. From an evolutionary perspective, there isn’t much reason for turtles to fill one with terror. Even snappers, which can do some damage, don’t truly pose a threat. From a philosophical perspective, it’s turtles all the way down, so there’s ample reason to love them. And most people do, which is why they are such a powerful tool when environmental groups push stupid, destructive ideas.
This is what happened after marine biology graduate student Christine Figgener filmed her team removing a plastic straw from a turtle’s nose in 2015. From there, the push was on to switch to paper straws, those manmade horrors the likes of which have never been seen before. That plastic straws make up a minuscule portion of ocean plastic waste is immaterial. What matters to environmentally conscious Americans is that they can demonstrate being good people as they try to slurp a Tiki drink through a rapidly deteriorating tube. But much like Britney Spears, oops they did it again, because as it turns out, paper straws are worse for the environment.
We’re all very sorry for your loss, lovers of materially deficient alternatives. Now wh...